When I stumbled upon my "Life's A Journey" blog, my jaw hit the floor. I thought to myself, "Has it really been 6 years since I picked up the pen, confident that I had something of value to say?". To clarify, if you follow me on Facebook you know that I have had PLENTY to say in the last 6 years, but I really was surprised that my last published post on my blog was from my trip to Kenya in 2019. This blog started out as a simple high school English project, but I grew to love writing about the experiences and lessons God was blessing me with... and I believe He's been encouraging me to "pick up the pen" and start recording these moments, lessons, chapters, and blessings again.
My first thought - "But where will I begin, God?!? So much has happened over the last 6 years! So many memories and milestones... so much heartache and growth!" My favorite thing about God is that He knows the questions, clarifications, 'buts', and fears before they ever cross our mind. So much HAS happened: my 'anointed season', 3 college internships, SGA at TNU, meeting my future husband in college, the discernment process through 5 job interviews, the Lord teaching me about reconciliation + release through Lent, getting my first district license during my senior year at Trevecca, moving to Georgia to be the Next Generation Pastor at Mt. Olive 10 days after graduation, losing 3 of my closest family members in less than 18 months, my mom's journey with radiation neuropathy, the call to be the youth pastor at Midland Valley Community (my dream church), mom's dementia diagnosis, my first exorcism and craziest week of spiritual warfare I've ever encountered, preaching my first teen camp (with my new teens), Third Wave, and of course then there's the small feat of getting engaged, buying our first house, moving into said house, getting married, and getting ordained in the short span of 101 days during the summer 'youth pastor crazy busy season' (no, literally - and marriage + ordination happened in the same weekend).
The Lord sure has been faithful on this rollercoaster ride, but I'm getting whiplash just thinking about it! I'm confident that in time, these stories will be told. As a pastor, one of the hardest things to navigate is being vulnerable while also being careful to avoid 'preaching through the pain'. I know that if I had been blogging through some of those seasons, it would have been all too easy to let an entry turn into a rant session or say something I would never have publicly posted if I had processed my emotions more fully. I've decided that if God is truly asking me to pick up the pen again, that I will only do so when He lays something on my heart. This means no posting schedule, no shame or guilt if I don't write for months, no pressure to produce, and most importantly an understanding (mainly for me) that the words I write aren't coming from me. There is great freedom in knowing that all He's asked me to do is be an obedient mouthpiece for His grace and faithfulness.
But there is still the question - "Where do I begin God?" - which He promptly answered within a few days of me asking. Saturday morning I was at a South East Regional NYI (Nazarene Youth International) leadership meeting in Alabama when the Lord woke me up before the sunrise and intervened, whispering and inspiring words of comfort and peace as Dad and I hit another "yep, that's the next step of dementia" moment. In 2018 my mom was diagnosed with radiation neuropathy, a terminal disease and 'side effect' of surviving cancer. In layman's terms, the (excessive) amount of radiation my mom received when she was 12 (brain tumor) and when she was battling breast cancer in 2009-2011 is now shutting down her nervous system. We have watched my mother (now 60 years old) decline steadily in health in every capacity impacted by the nervous system (vision, hearing, appetite, balance, digestive track, mental capacities, etc). COVID certainly complicated things (more ~fantastic~ stories there, but probably not appropriate for a public blog) and mom's most recent diagnosis came in 2024: Partial Dementia. Between you and I, I don't know what's "partial" about it, but I'll trust the doctors with that. Last Thursday in the span of 5 minutes, my mom didn't recognize my voice on the phone twice. You could call that faulty hearing aids or declining vision unable to see my name or contact photo on my Dad's phone, but it felt monumental and earth shattering to me. Our family's health journey with my mom (especially heavy on Dad) has been kept on the down low in the recent months and years (outside of hospital visits), but has still been incredibly difficult. I believe that any other man would have moved my mom to an assisted living facility a long time ago, but not my Dad. He has without a doubt won "Husband/Caretaker of the Century" and repeatedly shown me what true patience, sacrificial love, and selflessness look like in big and small things. One day he wants to write a book about my mom, her faith, and the miracles God has worked in her life... I just can't wait to one day write a book about him.
Saturday morning the Lord gave me words to communicate the emotions and weight of this journey - and I believe that they're not just for me and not even just for Dad... it came right alongside my yearning to write and my questions of where to start so I believe it is also for a friend who will come across my blog. As much as I want to over-explain every detail, I also know there is great power in letting art speak for itself. I WILL say that every word and line was chosen with great care and intentionality, but I'll trust the Holy Spirit to communicate meaning to each reader based on their individual burdens and needs. I'm looking forward to picking up the pen again, but for now I'll leave you - of all days to post this, on September 24th, the 16 year anniversary of when Mom was first diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer - with this poem God gave me that has brought me great comfort and peace in the midst of heartache. May the Lord bless and keep you, Erica Janelle.
"Where Is the Sun?"
That all-too-familiar startling sound pulls me out of dreamless sleep.
I forgot to change it! Can I go back, snuggle deeper in my sheets?
But this morning, my mind asks,
“Where is the sun?”
I pull on my clothes and load up my bag,
Excited and hopeful as I quietly open the door.
The world still snoring as I begin my quest
My heart, yearning, “Where is the sun?”
I walk until my mind is settled
THIS is where I will capture this moment
Time lapse on, Bible open, pen in hand
Now we wait – “Where is the sun?”
“From the rising of the sun to its setting, I will praise the Lord”
But I finished the psalm and reality loom dark and heavy
“So this is what you wanted to talk about, God”
As I sit here, wondering, “Where is the sun?”
I read of a barren woman given a home, children, and joy
I recognize the story – that’s my mother’s testimony
I take a shaky breath
“Where is the sun?”
She waits in that same home, mind slipping away
Longing for death’s sweet release, and getting closer each day
But the weight is especially heavy as of late
So He woke me up with a question in mind –“Where is the sun?”
Colors are changing – subtle but true
Squirrels begin a game of cat and mouse on the tree bark
The bird song grows louder, more voices joining the tune
They too are asking, “Where is the sun?”
The gnats have also decided to join me
Flying too close, hovering in view
They’re not the only thing bothering me
Swatting and annoyed - “Where is the sun?”
The colors have paled, but the trees block my view.
“I don’t want to wait any longer, God.”
“Isn’t there something you can do?”
As I start to cry, “Where is the sun?”
But wait - can it be? I move to get a better look and see
Orange glowing through a gap at the base of the trees.
Not fully on display yet, but rising steadily
It comes to answer my question - “Where is the sun?”
Tears well in my eyes as I take in its beauty
I hear the Lord whisper as I breathe deep,
“Just because life is changing doesn’t mean that I am”
I’m ashamed I had doubted, asking, “Where is the sun?”
Mom wasn’t just given a home and a family.
She was given the chance to see me grow up.
Yes, she’s leaving soon - sooner than I wanted.
But through a lifetime of trials, she’s known the answer to my question, “Where is the sun?”
My mother knows that even when things feel dark
The Son is still close by, if He’s rooted in your heart.
Grace overwhelms me in my weary waiting
I’m reminded I know confidently … so where is the sun?
Its warm presence rises faithfully, a new day has begun.
I can face it with strength and peace because I know…
Morning always comes, light’s power overcomes darkness.
I smile, faith has become sight: THERE is the Sun.
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