Receive
Going into 2025, I strongly felt that the Lord was calling me to receive something from Him. I knew I was going to have to release several things (which you’ll hear about in the next entry), but I desperately wanted to receive whatever He had for me - specifically His rest and His grace. I have always been my own worst enemy and toughest critic. I truly am a recovering perfectionist. The standards and expectations I set for myself (consciously or not) are not just unrealistic and impossible - the truth is that no person who loved me would ever expect me to perform in such a way. The first time I remember this battle for perfection crossing the awareness of those around me was in 4th grade. My teachers called a parent-teacher conference because I was having tearful breakdowns at school anytime I didn’t get a perfect 100 on my tests or quizzes. My parents assured them that this expectation to be perfect wasn’t being pushed by them, and my teachers assured my parents of the same thing. I was doing it to myself - relentlessly and ruthlessly. My mom was battling stage four breast cancer at the time and - while I’m not a professional - I’d be willing to bet that my nine year old mind justified that if everything in my control could be perfect, things would be better (or at least things wouldn’t get worse). Ever since then, I’ve constantly been aware of my inability to show myself grace, but unable to release myself from it. I was desperate for the grace and the rest I knew God wanted to give me, but wasn’t quite sure at the beginning of the year how I would release and receive it. I longed to show the same grace to myself that I freely gave to those around me, to those I loved, to those who deserved it… Little did I know that God was going to use those people to teach me how to show grace to myself.
Exodus 33:14: "And he said, “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
In February, I boarded a plane and headed to the M25 conference in Kansas City. I opted out of staying at the hotel so that I could stay with my mentor and closest friend, Bethany Tibbs. Bethany and I grew close while we served in children’s ministry at Nashville First. For the last seven years, she’s been the mentor I prayed for throughout high school. Bethany hosted me and Michelle (another pastor friend from Nashville) and throughout the week we got to enjoy the snow, eat some incredible food, and have some really honest conversations about where we were in our lives: waiting for a call to missions to come to fruition, in the middle of a spiritual wilderness, and becoming starkly aware of a pride problem (spoiler alert for next entry - the pride problem? Me.). I am constantly surprised with the grace I’m able to have with people in conversations like these. I can empathize with seasons of waiting or expectation because I’ve been there. I know how difficult they can be. With friends (and especially pastor friends) I can encourage them, let them know they’re not alone, and normalize their feelings while not trying to fix their problems with a bandaid. I can call them out when they talk about themselves or their situation in a way that is not full of compassion and grace. I remind them that our weakness is enough through Christ’s strength. Depending on the situation, I can pray for them to either lean into God’s rest, God’s peace, or God’s strength. And yet when it comes to me? I beat myself over how little faith or patience I seem to have in seasons of waiting or expectation. Even if I know that I’m not alone (whether that’s God or human support), I sure ACT like I’m alone - pushing myself to accomplish tasks, shoulder burdens, and survive on my own and in my own strength. Asking for help is a sign of weakness in my eyes, and yet I get onto friends when they avoid asking for help when they need it! I beat myself up mentally for experiencing difficult emotions. I wonder why I can’t just “get over it”... that I should be strong enough to slap a bandaid on it and keep going. My mind is a minefield of the worst kinds of lies, assumptions, and judgments of myself, my motivations, my thoughts, and my actions. I constantly overthink and question myself and my “enough-ness”. I only turn to God’s rest, peace, and strength after I’ve strived and toiled for far too long on my own. Bethany has been a safe place and sounding board for years, but this past year especially has been incredibly helpful in calling ME out in moments I don’t show myself grace well. Even if it’s as simple as an “I’m not sure if you realized you used this kind of language to describe yourself or your situation in your last voice message”, she’s been the greatest friend and accountability partner a girl could ask for. Bethany, thank you for being a daily reminder of God’s grace and love for me.
Exodus 14:14: “The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
One of the things we had discussed that week of M25 was if it was time for me to go back to counseling. The next week, I was scheduled for an appointment with Rhonda. I know some people have stigmatized views on counseling, but I will FOREVER be an advocate for it. Christian counseling has brought me through some of the darkest times of my life, given me tools and strategies to face my battles, and (especially now as a pastor) given me a safe space to consistently process situations I face in a way that honors confidentiality. I prefer in-person counseling, but for the last several years have been more than happy with telehealth because of my therapist - Rhonda McGinnis. Truly the best counselor I’ve ever had, Rhonda both encourages and challenges me. She asks questions that help me process, understand, and reveal things about myself or God that have contributed to growth in every aspect of my life. She doesn’t push me out of my comfort zone, but doesn’t let me run away from hard things either. This year as I have navigated mom’s illness, major life changes, and the stresses of ministry she has helped me learn how to rest and receive grace. I’ve been able to be sensitive to my needs in changing seasons. For example, in counseling this fall I was able to recognize that I needed more time around a table (my soul needed fellowship and community) and I needed to find a spiritual mother in South Carolina (the Lord has provided one in every space I’ve done life in). Rhonda has been able to say “I’m proud of you” at the end of a session and leave me in tears - because I knew she truly meant it and it was what I desperately needed to hear. She gives me grace when I can’t give it to myself. She’s been able to speak life and encouragement into me as I’ve continued to wrestle with pride, control, and perfection. We work toward growth together and she reminds me how far I’ve come so I don’t get overwhelmed by what still lies ahead. My counseling sessions are on Thursday mornings (Thursday is my Sabbath day) so she will often ask what I’m going to do to rest and spend time with God that day. Counseling is always the perfect start to a day focused on renewal and refreshment from the Father. You’ll hear more about this in the next entry, but she’s even been able to recognize progress that I was unable to see because it was the kind of transformation that happens in the quiet, intrinsic pieces of one’s soul and identity. Rhonda, thank you for helping me recognize the activity of God in the highs and lows of my life.
Hebrew 4:16: “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
My favorite podcast is “The Pastor’s Table” with Rev. Tara Beth Leach and Dr. Mark Quanstrom. Mark has this idea that I disagreed with at first, but have come to recognize as true: The call (into ministry) is salvific. He was even bold enough to wonder aloud one episode if he would even be a Christian (or what kind of Christian he would be) if he hadn’t been called into ministry. Right now the Lord has me in youth ministry and while it is incredibly rewarding and/or difficult based on the day, I have begun to recognize it as God’s saving grace for me. Being a pastor requires me to have an intimate and active relationship with my Father. It requires me to continue to grow, discipline myself, read, learn, be present, and challenge myself (it becomes evident quite quickly if a pastor does not do these things). Being a YOUTH pastor requires me to stay on my toes. I have to be vigilant, intentional, creative, and consistent. In the world we live in, a youth pastor has to preach the truth of the Bible unapologetically to a generation who desperately desires peace and identity, but is often sweet-talked into the world’s counterfeit solutions and goals. Each year the Lord lays a theme + theme verse for the year on my heart and I use that to choose the scriptures that shape our sermon series. As the Lord worked with me through grace, I started to feel him lay grace and mercy on my heart for my teens. I thought of how badly I needed grace when I was a teenager and the moments I encountered God’s mercy as I repented from sin and quickly settled on Hebrews 4:16 for our theme verse. Bethany helped me define grace (God giving us good things that we don’t deserve and cannot earn) and mercy (compassion and forgiveness shown to those who don’t deserve it because of sin) for my teens. I chose to preach out of Acts 10 (Peter’s vision that led to Gentiles/outsiders being invited into salvation) to highlight grace and Acts 9 (Saul’s encounter with Jesus on the road to Damascus) to highlight mercy. My summer intern, Esteè, helped me paint tapestries to hang as year round reminders of our themes and where we started. Over the last few months of 2025 I have been able to watch my teens wrestle with grace and mercy - for themselves and for others. I’ve walked with teens going through difficult home situations, processing forgiveness and reconciliation, dealing with the consequences of sin, discerning a call, and just trying to grow in their relationship with Christ. The work I do as a youth pastor often feels redemptive as I watch God bring brokenness from my own life full circle. On other days, I wonder if what I’m doing matters at all. But as I’ve intentionally tried to receive God’s rest and grace this year, I am constantly reminded by my own teenagers just how present and faithful our God is. Teens, thank you for giving me an opportunity to lead you to the throne of grace and mercy - the process teaches me to draw near as well.
John 1:16: "For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”
The final scripture I rooted “Receive” in for 2025 was John 1:16. As we approached the end of the year and one of my favorite seasons of the year (Advent), I had certainly received what felt like the fullness of God’s grace. A big struggle for grace in my life had involved what my quiet time with the Lord looked like. There are so many expectations of what a Pastor’s time with God should look like, right? Shouldn’t a pastor meet with God everyday - the longer the better? Shouldn’t a pastor read a chunk of Scripture, pray through a massive prayer list, do a devotional that always speaks to them, sing through worship songs, and maybe even journal about their time with God EVERY DAY? The spoken and unspoken, outward and internal, professional and personal expectations surrounding quiet time have led to an abundance of shame and guilt in my life for as long as I could remember. In the fall, I had finally reached a point where I swore off 365 daily devotionals. I chose to take a grace-filled approach that was more in tune to what the Spirit called me to engage in each day AND what I felt like I needed each day. Some days I listened to worship music and colored in my Scripture coloring book. Some mornings I read a few chapters of books by my favorite theologians that challenged my faith. Some mornings I picked up a devotional and did a devotion (without any expectation to come back the next day). Some days I journaled, prayed, and processed. And even other mornings I reserved for silence and solitude. It was working REALLY well for me, but Advent was coming. The expectation of consistent daily devotions (as I led some ladies and teens through the season’s devotional book) was coming. I started off strong personally, but could recognize (from lack of responses) that the ladies were falling into the shame-game. So at the beginning of Advent week 2 I challenged them - do the devotional for THAT DAY. So if it was December 10, do the devotion for December 10. Even if December 8 and 9 were empty… or there wasn’t a single page written on yet. Within a few days, I was having to practice what I preached. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I hated those empty pages, but I had let them define me and keep me from the new mercies available from the Lord for too long. I hoped to do the devotionals I skipped after Christmas, but the Lord had different plans. Early on the morning of the Sunday that began the 3rd week of Advent, I woke up at 2am fully awake. I tried to go back to sleep, and simply couldn’t. Let me pause here to say this never happens to me. I’ve often dreamed of being the kind of Christian that God wakes up in the middle of the night to spend time with Him, but it’s just not in my DNA. I fall asleep quickly. I sleep until my alarm rings. Every night. But at 2:33am, I rolled out of bed and headed into the living room, realizing that God had woken me up and given me an abundance of energy so that I could meet with Him. I started with one of the three devos I had skipped… then had the motivation to do another… and then the third. After 2 hours of devotions, sleepy-time tea, and finishing the book I was working on, I finally was ready to go back to bed. I woke up that next morning feeling more refreshed than I had in weeks, even though I’d only slept 4 hours total. It was at that moment, I was hooked. All I had done was choose to not let the devil’s shame keep me from meeting with the Lord. Instead of saying “well you failed and missed the mark so you need to catch up and get your act together before you deserve to see God” (might seem dramatic but this is the EXACT language I use!!!) I said “God would have loved to spend time with you yesterday, but it’s more important to Him that you receive whatever He has for you TODAY. He walked with you through yesterday and He understands how crazy it was, but today is a clean slate and a new day He would love to be welcomed into”. It wasn't just a one time thing either - the Lord created similar moments of time, opportunity, and motivation in Advent week 3 and week 4 to catch up on the days I missed, but "skipped in faith" to move on to a new day. The Lord, in His kindness, created space for me to do something that mattered deeply to me and get ‘caught up’. But the moment that mattered was that Thursday I chose to show up instead of shy away in shame. My decision in faith was enough - He provided sufficiently for what I lacked. This Advent experience has freed me in a radically transformative way that I can’t wait to tell you about in the coming weeks, but as I wrap up this entry I want to challenge you -
What would resting in your Savior look like for you in this season of your life?
What past experiences, lies from the enemy, or mental roadblocks keep you from receiving God’s grace?
Who can you ask to hold you accountable as you learn to trust God to supply your needs?
If you struggle with daily devotions and the shame game/guilt trip that comes when you miss the mark you’ve set for yourself, would you DARE to commit to show up for the day’s manna from the Lord even if you don’t feel like you’ve ‘earned it’?
